The heart of the matter

I am currently struggling through a time of anger. I think this has been stewing and brewing for the last two years. I’ve worked hard to deflect and talk myself out of this particular emotion, because I don’t have a great method for dealing with it. No great outlet or funnel in which to push through anger and come out on the other side with productive feelings and thoughts.

No one thing has me in this place, it is the culmination of so many things that have not been felt or dealt with in the last two years…a house that will not sell because of neighbors who treat their land with such disrespect and almost contempt, working in a job that is just a job and not so fulfilling on a personal or professional level, living in a city in an apartment and feeling like “life is on hold”, being the runner up for a job of my dreams and not getting another job that was iffy anyway, having a baby with some health problem that continues to not go away, trying everything I can/am in control of to help my baby and feeling completely and utterly helpless and scared.

I hate even writing this, as it feels so whiny. Believe me, I know my life is not bad. I’ve worked so hard these last two years to remain thankful and aware of the many blessings in my life. I am so incredibly lucky to have a low rent apartment within walking distance from my work. I make enough money and my husband can supplement that income so that he can be home with our kids. I have a job. I have one kid who is healthy and happy and lovely and another kid who I still hope and pray will grow out of whatever this is. I was able to get pregnant and had an easy pregnancy. I have an amazing husband who is doing exactly what he should be doing in life: playing and teaching music. I have a wonderful family and friends who continue to support me no matter what crazy direction life takes me.

And yet, here I am, stewing. I welcome any thoughts from others who have had to work through a difficult time – how did you get through? Did you have a particular outlet or way to process? Any resources/books/stress balls that helped you on your way?

Gone but not forgotten

Alas, this poor blog has sat gathering virtual dust and cobwebs. I have had so many things to “say” on here, and have had the time or inclination to make the pen go on the paper. Since my last post I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy, lost my grandmom, gave birth to a beautiful little man, celebrated my 36^th year on this lovely green globe…among other things.

I’m going to attempt to play some catch-up here over the next few weeks, pending the ability to string two words or more together to make a coherent sentence. Sadly I count it as a lucky day when I’ve had more than two hours of sleep in a row since my little man has some gastrointestinal issues. If you want to read more about that and the lovely T.E.D.(total elimination diet) I’m currently on, you can go to my other blog here.

More to come!

But he has a "peanuts"...

We tell stories every night when babygirl goes to bed…they typically revolve around going to the playground, or to the ice cream store (even though we’ve only done that twice!). Recently we’ve added doing these things with “George, Bill, and the Man With The Yellow Hat”.

Last night, our story took a turn that sure caught me off guard and shows how 3 year olds think. I was telling the story that mommy, daddy, and babygirl were riding our bikes to the ice cream store to meet George, Bill, and the Man With the Yellow Hat for ice cream.

Then I talked about how daddy and “the Man” went to buy the ice cream, and they bought vanilla with sprinkles for babygirl, George, and Bill (which is what they always get) and babygirl quickly interrupted me.

“No, not for bill. He has a peanuts” (what she says for um, what a boy has and a girl doesn’t).

I took a moment to switch gears mentally.

“Yes, Yes, Bill does have a … (saying the **right word)”

“Yeah, cause Bill is a boy. So he gets chocolate sauce”

“Oh, because daddy and ‘The Man With the Yellow Hat’ always have vanilla with sauce?”

“Yeah!”

Well there you go. 3 year old logic for you. I always thought Bill was a kid, therefore the vanilla with sprinkles, but goes to show mommies don’t know everything! So babygirl and George get sprinkles, all the “boys” get chocolate sauce and mommy gets her twist cone per usual. And the story continues to evolve.

(**For the record, we use the “real words” for our parts, I just don’t want to type them on my blog. I know it would lead to people finding and reading my blog that are looking for, um, other types of posts)

After a three month trial - success!

I've had success on the make-your-own deodorant front. I've tried several options out there, and this one just works for me. AND it's been a helluva hot summer here in the midwest and I'm 6 months pregnant, AND walking to work most days - so I feel I've given this stuff a good trial run! I used the recipe linked and used the sensitive skin balance.

NJD - I'm going to whip up a new batch soon and will give you some to try out! I didn't forget about you...

There are certainly pros and cons for those interested, so I've tried to summarize here:
PROS

• really easy to make
• inexpensive compared to any other natural product I've found
• I smell fabulous no matter how much I sweat - really!
• I like the smell of coconut
• You can save an old stick container and fill it and apply it like a regular deodorant! Although see the heat related con below.
  

CONS

• It'll melt in heat, so in the summer it has to be in the fridge or in a tupperware and used like a cream
• It isn't an antiperspirant, although I've gotten used to that fact
• there's really no way for this not to smell like coconut (although to me this really isn't a con) I'm sure you could experiment with adding essential oils etc., but I didn't even bother.
  

So overall it's two thumbs up for me! I just can't believe this works all day long without question - I have yet to have a day where I felt the need to reapply or anything, very different from natural products I've purchased and tried before!

Now I'm excited to try making my own sunscreen:
Or try to make my own diaper rash cream:

Sweet girl

This morning my sweet babygirl very unexpectedly wanted to sit in my lap after breakfast. I scooped her up, and she put her head on my growing belly and said "I love the baby". Then she gave my belly a big kiss. I told her she could talk to the baby so she waved at my belly and said "hi baby, I love you".

This was the first time she ever talked about the baby unprompted (when we weren't already talking about him) and showed such affection.

I think Jim and I melted on the spot.

Do you want your egg fried or scrambled?

Do you remember this old 80s anti-drug ad?

"This is your brain. (image of an innocent looking egg)
This is your brain on drugs (image of a fried egg - see left)
Any questions?"

I think we could take this one step further and make it a 2 for 1 ad - both anti drugs AND pro-birth control. Add a third image (image of a scrambled egg) and say "This is your brain while pregnant" than the line "Any questions?". That would get those teenagers thinking, right?!?

I tell you, six months pregnant and my brain is mush. I am making stupid mistakes and not even realizing it until it is too late. The best, most concrete non-work example I can give is from babygirl's 3rd birthday party this past weekend. In true "Susan style" I started thinking about/planning for the party about two months out. I bid on train cookie cutters and cake pans on ebay and got great deals on them both. I knew I wanted to do train cookies for the kids to decorate as one of our activities. TWO MONTHS AGO. But then when it came down to it, I totally flaked on the cookies themselves. I don't know why my brain said "make sugar cookies"...but it did.

Sugar cookies. Those that do not roll, are not meant to be cut with cookie cutters (seriously sticky dough), puff up when cooked and lose their shape entirely. This seems minor, and in truth is not a big deal at all. But I just stood there in the kitchen dumbfounded. I love to bake. This is something I know how to do right and could usually do in my sleep. And instead of these cute little trains for the party I had swollen looking hippos. Seriously. It makes me laugh right now even thinking about it.... I had to throw my hands up in the air and just say "what the hell" and laugh about it. The cookies tasted great and the kids had a blast, so no harm done. Point though is this type of thing is happening daily right now, and at work as well as at home. At some point it just gets to you, you know?!?

So, I'm just saying...add a scrambled egg in that photo and you have an image that haunts teenage girls everywhere.

Hello there little man!

Meet our "little man"...we had our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday and found out we have a happy, healthy baby boy on the way!

We borrowed a great idea from a friend of a friend...instead of having the ultrasound tech tell us if we were having a boy or a girl, we instead had them mark a photo, put it in a special envelope and brought it home. Then, after babygirl's nap, we told her we had some exciting photos to share. We talked about the baby, how Ellie is going to be a big sister, and how mommy and daddy went to the doctor today and they were able to take some photos of the baby in mommy's belly! We showed her the top photo (the baby's head) the bottom photo of the baby waving (she liked that one a lot) and then the other one showing that the baby was a boy. So we all found out together as a family!

Such an exciting time for all of us! I'll do a belly post soon, I promise!