This past week I've felt sad, and unable to understand why. I wrote it off as pregnancy hormones, which is probably quite true. But at the same time there was a nagging feeling of something, some real reason I was down. And I realized...a part of me, some small part of me, felt I should have had a baby this past week. I was due at the end of March.
It's strange to sit here writing this, as I'm ecstatically pregnant for the third time, with what I hope and pray is my second child. I'm incredibly lucky to be pregnant so quickly, and am grateful for every day I wake up nauseous because it means I'm most likely still pregnant. I also know fully well that I lost my second baby for a good reason. Something was probably not right, and our bodies are made to recognize that. I know I was lucky I lost the baby early on, as I've had relatives who have not been as lucky, and I cannot even imagine that pain and loss.
But even in knowing all of this, even though I can look at it through this overly logical and analytical and rational mind...I feel I missed out on knowing someone. On kissing some little toes that I'll never see. I know the baby I would have had went back and has become part of something else. It's hard to put into words my beliefs, it would get too wordy, but I know they are not gone, they are just not mine. And I hope they feel loved, because they are, always.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
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Your post comes at such a salient time for me. I two have lost two babies between my pregnancy with Ana and this one (currently at a healthy 31 weeks). I've been thinking a lot about my second loss as I had my D&C sometime this week one year ago. The baby from my first loss would also have been turning one around time I will give birth to this baby girl. I've gone through many emotions as well, mostly that I feel that this pregnancy is coming at exactly the right time. Take good care of yourself and know that all of your feelings are totally normal and valid.
ReplyDeleteBree, I'm sorry for your loss but so happy to hear you are healthy at 31 weeks! Very encouraging to read :) It is hard, I'll think I'm ok and "past" what happened, and then something hits me and it is hard in a new way. I appreciate you taking the time to write, hope you remain healthy and happy!
ReplyDeletelast week someone who was pregnant and due 2 days before my due date found out the sex of her baby. it crushed me. *I* should be pregnant...but lost the baby 12 weeks ago. it still makes my heart hurt. my due date would have been 9/13. i can only imagine how i'll be feeling on that day!
ReplyDeleteOh Susan, you are 1000% correct in saying that something was probably not right. Our bodies are so awesome in understanding and dealing with such situation. I lost twice between my two girls. My first lost baby had the same due date as my friend's now first child. Sure, I still look at her daughter sometimes and think that I could have had another baby "this old", but I wouldn't have had my baby Emma then! These losses are tragic, but just for the good. You are very strong and rationalizing so well about it. You'll see, it all makes sense in the end. Trust me ;-)
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